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Add one part satire to two parts sincerity. Sprinkle on a couple of rants. Stir liberally.
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Daily Blah FAQ
Who are you?
I'm the newly-appointed Future editor at Business 2.0 and the former San Francisco correspondent for Time Magazine.
Wow, so does this mean everything you write reflects Time Inc's opinion? Or do you perhaps have some sort of standard disclaimer to the effect that it doesn't?
Naturally, the opinions contained in this blog are not those of my employers. In fact, some opinions may be the polar opposite of my employers. Some may be the same, for all I know. Hey, it's not like I ask my employers their opinions about everything in the news, okay? Let's just say that if this were a Venn diagram with one circle marked "my opinions" and the other one marked "my employers' opinions", there would doubtless be some overlap. But neither I nor my employers are able to pinpoint exactly where that overlap is.
What is this Daily Blah thing?
An experiment for a column I wrote about blogging back in December 2001. All these years later, I haven't been able to kick the habit.
If it's called Daily Blah, how come you don't always write every day?
I am trying harder. I promise. Please don't hurt me.
Mister, you talk funny. Are you one of them furrners?
Why yes I am, as it happens. I was born, raised and educated in Great Britain. I've been living in the U.S. since 1996 and identify as British.
I say, old chap, you forgot the "u" in "colour."
No I didn't. I may identify as British, but I am also an American journalist writing for an American audience about mostly American issues. These two different sides of me are a constant source of tension. Nevertheless, Daily Blah will adhere to American English grammar and spelling.
Praise for Daily Blah:
"It is fun to watch the author's navel-gazing joy." - Sunday Times (UK)
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"Dude, lay off the crack pipe." - Souris Hong-Porretta, gamesmith
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Daily Blah for... Friday, March 22, 2002
Try? There is No Try. Only Dog.
Speaking of aliens, a source close to a galaxy far, far away sent me this picture from the slave's quarters of a large corporation somewhere in America. "I never noticed it until today," he wrote, "but Marjorie Knoller [new axis of evil inductee and now-convicted murderer in famous San Francisco dog-mauling trial] kinda reminds me of Yoda." And it's true. Look.
NB. The above is a satirical composite protected by the first amendment and a number of Supreme Court decisions. Yoda is the recognized copyright of Lucasfilm (TM). Marjorie Knoller is the recognized copyright of Satan Industries (TM). Said image is not meant to suggest the leader of the Jedi Council would ever breed (or have sex with) attack dogs, nor that he would be criminally negligent when encountering neighbors with said dog in the corridor of his Pacific Heights apartment building. In fact, he'd probably levitate the dog. Or hit it with his stick. Or call on the spirit of Ben Kenobi to spook the beast. And you know what? Diane Whipple would still be alive today. Ah, that we could all live on Dagobah.
Paging Dr. Who
My Journalism school comrade Arik Hesseldahl passed on this stunning piece of spam. I don't know whether to laugh or place a call to whatever city agency it is that has those men with the people-sized nets. Anyway, if any one of you readers is a time traveler and/or alien, please help this poor man. Before the state does. (And boy, is he going to be upset if aliens haven't discovered time travel yet).
If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human, I need your help!
My entire life and health have been altered and messed with. I have suffered
tremendously and am now dying! The type of time travel which I
think is most suited to my situation is having my consciousness
transferred to my younger self using either the carbon copy
replica method, or brain snapshot device. Please explain your
method and how safe it is. I am in great danger and need this
immediately.
If you are in possession of the said technology please send a
(SEPARATE) email to me at: IneedTimeTravel@aol.com
Thanks
Daily Blah for... Wednesday, March 20, 2002
Where's the Outrage?
Forgive me if I drop my satirical mask for a second, but isn't anyone a little concerned about the fact that one of our continents is falling apart? Why isn't this leading evening newscasts? I watched an NBC news "In Depth" report last night -- "In Depth" meaning it lasts five minutes instead of two. The report, amusingly titled "wacky weather," featured floods in Kentucky and a record warm winter in the north-east. I was waiting for the punchline, the payoff, the analysis of possible reasons why this might be happening. But nothing. Nada. I might as well have been watching the Weather Channel. "In Depth" indeed.
What's going on here? Has global warming become a dirty phrase? Are we in the news media so afraid of being labeled tree huggers that we daren't even give the idea credence? "We're running out of other explanations," said a scientist studying the disintegrating Antarctic ice shelf in today's New York Times piece, buried almost apologetically on a single column page 12. How on Earth did the right wing's approach -- Hear No Global Warming, See No Global Warming, Speak No Global Warming -- win this debate? Aren't conservatives supposed to be conserving things? Isn't Teddy Roosevelt turning in his grave? When will this stop being a left-wing issue? When New York is under water and tropical diseases roam the planet with impunity?
All Singing, All Dancing
I have enjoyed a special relationship with Sony's entertainment robot division since its early days, in that they've always let me play with the latest Aibo models. This new robot, however, costs more than a luxury car. I wonder if they'll let me take him home?
Regardless, it must be a happy day for the guys who started Aibo in the first place. Sony was a little skeptical when the robot dog appeared in their midst, and initially talked about it being a one-off product. Phenomenal sales success proved otherwise. Now we have human-like entertainment robots with natural movements; I have no doubt they'll be a smash too, even at this price. Low-cost mass-market versions will undoubtedly follow, as will more utilitarian 'bots. Wonder if the 20th century will be remembered as a brief interlude in history when most well-to-do people didn't have servants in the home?
Oh, and if a one-size-fits-all solution is just way too vulgar for you, try customizing your robot.
Daily Blah for... Monday, March 18, 2002
The Brand X Boom
Spent the weekend 7,000 ft above sea level in the town of Truckee near Lake Tahoe. My hearing improved drastically -- if perversely -- on the journey back, as we drove down to sea level. Return to find that Brand X, an affectionate term for our younger rival magazine, has effectively declared the dot-com bust over on its front cover. How nice. I'm sure all my out-of-work technology-trained friends will love to hear their unemployment is a fallacy. There's nothing wrong with Steven Levy's prose if you chop it up into parts: yes, there are lots of cool little start-ups noodling away at cool new ideas in Silicon Valley, just as there always are. It's putting these pieces together and declaring a new golden age of technology that smells a little suspect; in particular, handing Steve Wozniak the palm d'or before Wheels of Zeus has even left the runway is laying it on a little thick (just because Woz is working again does not mean there has been a tech rebound. It means he got bored with teaching).
Then there's the strange and somewhat heartless supposition that the dotcom crash was "the best thing that could happen to technology." This would be true if every dotcom that crashed was a gesundheit.com or a boo.com or a BBQ.com. But a lot of good companies got dragged down in the stampede; companies with valid business plans and unique services; Productopia.com, Reel.com, Adcritic.com. Many other good ideas were drowned as we heard the giant sucking sound of VC money heading south. If only Webvan had survived, we would have some interesting competition and innovation in online groceries; now Safeway.com and Albertsons.com stand astride the market like typical old-world companies, developing their services as slowly and expensively ($10 delivery?) as they like. And thousands and thousands of really smart, talented people were thrown out of work. Their contribution to the economy: zilch. Tell me again; how are things looking up in Silicon Valley if most the great engineers and project managers are fighting each other for an assistant manager position at Peet's Coffee? The layoffs still go on; if they didn't, F*ckedcompany would be out of business. Call it premature trendspotting: The incessant urge on the part of news organizations to notice something before everyone else does can sometimes lead to mirages, especially if one is afflicted with true believerism. I have no doubt that the turnaround will come, that the technological winter will end. But we're still in the season of gales and blizzards; it's a bit early for cover stories on the first daffodils buried under the snow. You're going to hurt your authority when the sun finally does shine.
Speaking of the legions of laid-off dotcommers, here is an excellent day-in-the-life flash animation.
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