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Daily Blah for... Sunday, August 24, 2003
Gone Burning
And so to Black Rock City, for another week of art, friends and frenzy. This year I promise no updates from the Playa, whether or not they have Wi-fi -- that way if I do happen to stumble into Center Camp with my laptop and a will to post something, it'll be a pleasant surprise. Early weather reports do not look good; there's rain in Gerlach. Note to self: buy sturdy pair of boots on the way.
My bags are packed, my Prius is loaded, my shade structure is already there. And I've got an extra spring in my step. It's not just the thought of a week-long vacation -- it's having finished a marathon story on last week's computer worms that went into overtime. It's also the latest news on Bush's poll ratings. For the first time, more Americans want him out than in. The pendulum is swinging back. Sanity has been restored. The very air smells sweeter. We may soon even start liking the French again. I leave you to meditate on that pleasant thought until after Labor Day weekend. Au revoir, tout le monde.
Daily Blah for... Thursday, August 21, 2003
Tips for Terrifying Tussle in Texas
I have never in my life given money to a political cause. But the Texas redistricting battle is a shameless power play by would-be-Mr.-Speaker Tom DeLay, and it is one of those rare situations where every dollar really does count. DeLay was counting on the vast majority of us outside Texas not noticing -- and thanks to that more visually appealing Republican power play, the one in California, he has largely been proved right. Eleven Senators are in voluntary exile, facing arrest if they return to Texas, because it is the only way they can stop DeLay drawing himself up a political map of Texas so crooked you could shoot arrows with it. A redistricting that would give him an extra five or ten seats in Congress, potentially locking in the GOP majority until my generation starts cashing its paltry Social Security checks.
It's so funny to see Democrats, who nationally are without a collective spine, pulling off this kind of principled stand. But that they have chosen to do. And now they have, I want them to take it all the way. Part of me almost hopes they do get arrested. When was the last time you saw anyone of such prominence face the threat of jail time on a matter of conscience alone? Names float up to us from the past: Nelson Mandela. Mohammed Ali. MLK. Ghandi. Going behind bars for what you believe has a tendency to make the muse of history remember your name.
Still, I wouldn't want that to happen without exhausting every other option. The clock is ticking on the extraordinary special session Republicans called with the sole purpose of slicing the state like a snake. Every day the exiled stay in their crappy motel rooms is another day democracy breaths a sigh of relief. They need anything you can give. Pay their room charge for a night. Send them those little sachets of toothpaste and shampoo. Hell, forward them an e-mail joke or two. When your state is under siege, you need all the laughs you can get. I know the feeling.
Daily Blah for... Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Adbusters Nails It
Out on a walking tour of Noe Valley, my new and still somewhat unfamiliar neighborhood, I was delighted to find the locals have seen fit to patronize one of those wonderful hole-in-the-wall magazine stores; the kind with just about worthwhile global periodical on sale within its cramped confines. Even though I'm the last person who needs more magazines, I felt the urge to show my support, and one of the titles I picked up was Adbusters.
Now I'd heard of Adbusters, primarily in connection with the cheeky-yet-serious commercial parodies at Adbusters.org and the post-Thanksgiving cultural meme Buy Nothing Day. But I'd never seen anything about a magazine before. Which makes sense, in a brain-taxingly perverse sort of way. How could an organization called Adbusters reach its target audience (ie. globally-minded, overly-earnest liberals like myself)? Only through word of mouth, and accidental discoveries in magazine stores. For Adbusters' editors, its pace of growth must be maddeningly slow.
Hence what I'm doing now: my bit to spread word-of-mouth. So let me ask you this: when was the last time you opened a glossy magazine and not had to leaf through pages of ads to get to the first article? When did you last see articles that looked as visually appealing as the ads? I've become depressingly accustomed to the mental struggle to ignore sumptuous full-page photographs of strangely alluring models with vacant eyes. It's like I need some kind of TiVo in my head. Fast-forward to the good stuff! Ignore the fluff! Adbusters was so refreshing in its nothing-but-content approach, I almost cried with relief. This is possible.
And the content itself? Yes, it has an agenda. Yes, sometimes it beats you over the head with that agenda. Sometimes it veers too far into visual cliche (Western model carrying baby juxtaposed with African famine victim carrying baby: my, have we seen that somewhere before?). But it all becomes worth it the moment you find a paragraph like the following, set against a towering, terrifying close-up of a lipstick, which just nails something I've felt like telling America for the past two years:
The risk that you will die from a terrorist attack is, on average, bundled in with such hazards as bee stings and lightning. There would need to be an attack with the magnitude of September 11 every second month just to keep up with the murder rate, and more than monthly to compare with auto accident fatalities ... In June, America suffered its worst single month of tornadoes on record -- a widely predicted outcome of global climate change. Some people feel a sense of urgency about these ongoing crises; we know these people as "paranoids." Then there are those who promote a perpetual fear of the invisible, unpredictable and largely unstoppable threat of terrorism. Those are the people that we call "patriots."
Just So You Don't Think I'm Totally Anti-Arnold ...
Here's a well-written opinion piece by Adam Sparks on why the Schwarzenegger train is unstoppable. And indeed, why it is preferable to have a RINO (Republican In Name Only) in the Governor's mansion. I was almost convinced. Almost.
Daily Blah for... Sunday, August 17, 2003
With Friendsters Like This ...
Excellent article in this week's SF Weekly on Friendster.com, taking humorless owner Jonathan Abrams to task for ruthlessly hunting down and deleting "fakester" profiles created on his site. Yes, he even deleted "God Almighty" after God offered to mend fences and become friendsters with him.
Abrams comes across as a bitter geek at the most friendless end of the Silicon Valley spectrum. His office, we are told, has not one shred of decoration, and he spends so many days and sleepless nights there that his original purpose in setting up the site -- to meet women -- has long gone by the wayside. Asking the SF Weekly's correspondent if she has any single friends on Friendster, Abrams is directed to a woman who has posted a picture of a shark on her online profile. "Oh, I get it," snaps Abrams to the reporter. "Your friends are all smartass types." Not content with this public relations faux pas, he goes on to type a pathetically snide little note to shark-head woman. "Hi Kerry," it reads. "Your profile looks interesting. Too bad you have such a silly picture." This guy could write the manual on How To Win Friendsters and Influence People.
Overheard in a San Francisco coffee shop minutes after I put down this article: a woman at another table reading that exact passage to her boyfriend. She puts down her SF Weekly and does a cat-claw sign. "What a bitch!" she exclaims.
"Yeah," mutters the boyfriend. "And his site is too slow. Friendster sucks."
This, Jonathan, is what happens when you disrespect God Almighty. Not to mention that even more powerful universal force: a sense of humor.
Think Fast, Ah-nuld
I can't even begin to describe how happy I am that Cruz Bustamante is beating Arnold Schwartzenegger in the latest California poll. But the race is tight. It doesn't get more exciting than this. We're talking Gore-Bush, Ford-Carter, Kennedy-Nixon, down to the wire. Balance of power, long term, seems in play. Imagine the fallout if a superstar, big-TV smile, trash-talkin' Republican like Arnold failed. It would sound through the corridors of power like the crashing fall of a modern-day Goliath. This is a man who loudly proclaimed he would have the head of the country's least popular Democrat on a dubiously democratic silver platter. And what did the Democrats do? They just grew more Democrats.
What do you think, rest of world? Are you watching Wacky Ol' Californy purely for the entertainment value of a potential movie star governor? Or are you prepared to get interested in the politics of this race?
Daily Blah for... Friday, August 15, 2003
It Could Happen Here!
Blackouts aren't just an east coast thing, apparently. This morning's San Francisco Chronicle breathlessly reports that California is vulnerable to outages too. Really? Blackouts in California? I find that hard to believe ... why, just imagine how much money Texan energy companies could make out of selling us contracts for extra electricity! They'd have us over a barrel. Good thing our governor is too smart to let such a thing happen ...
Daily Blah for... Thursday, August 14, 2003
Pick One of 135
Yes, the complete list of 135 California recall candidates is out. What is the average voter going to think, looking at a list this long? My prediction: "Screw it. I haven't got time to go through this. Let's give Davis another three years."
The Chronicle has a nice flash animation comparing the recall to Survivor. Which reminds me: it was always the loud, muscle-bound jerks who got voted off the island first.
Daily Blah for... Wednesday, August 13, 2003
How Not to Get Busted
Here's a great resource for anyone who's ever downloaded music online and now fears the long arm of the RIAA: A list of the most common songs mentioned in the music industry's blitz of subpoenas, compiled by Slyck.com. I pity the poor fool who's going to get sued because he got drunk and sentimental one night and downloaded that dreadful 1970's ballad "When I Need You." Let this be a lesson to you, kids: Leo Sayer ain't worth it.
Oh, and you want to know what to do if you should happen to have a few of these songs in your KaZaa collection? Simple: rename them. Yes, it's that easy. If our musically-challenged romantic fool had only changed the title of his MP3 file to "Seo Layer" -- which, by the way, is an excellent name for a 70's tribute band -- he wouldn't be in this trouble.
THURSDAY UPDATE: I have had "When I Need You" stuck in my head since I woke up this morning. Thanks a lot, buddy. Pretty soon I'm going to have to go nuclear -- that is, drive it away by playing Escape (The Pina Colada song).
Walk America
This weekend, a couple of tourists from New Hampshire will arrive in San Francisco. Nothing unusual about that, except for the fact that they walked here. Assuming they don't get attacked by rabid wolves in the Berkeley hills first, Joyce and Peter Cottrell will be the first hikers to backpack the entire route of the 5,058-mile transcontinental American Discovery Trail (they set off in March 2002). Think they're nuts? Well, yes, you're probably right. They had to fight forest fires, sand storms and knee-deep snow to get here. The worst thing most of us have to deal with is airport screeners messing up our luggage. But if you're like me, you may also be a teeny bit jealous. I mean, I've crossed the US every other way -- train, plane, bus (twice on the fabulous Green Tortoise) and car. Do I really want to go to my grave not knowing what it's like to do the country on foot? At the very least, it would make for a story I could happily dine out on for the rest of my life. New Hampshire, here I come!
Ah, maybe another weekend.
Daily Blah for... Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Not Running
Here's one T-shirt the other 33 million of us need to be wearing. (Update: the link appears to have gone dead, but this was a T-shirt that said "I'm not running" on the front and "Governor of California" on the back -- the latter, of course, being the one person in the state who legally can't run on the second part of the ballot).
10 Questions Arnold Won't Answer
1. Why are you so adverse to answering questions?
2. Could you really not hear Matt Lauer's repeated question about your tax returns? Nobody at the Today Show seems to believe there was a technical problem with your earpiece.
3. You've said you don't need anyone else's money to run this campaign. So why is your website, joinarnold.com, set up to do nothing but receive contributions?
4. And another thing about the website -- what's with the bling-bling in that picture? Are you courting the gangsta vote?
5. You say you're mad at the pols in Sacramento because they need to do more than just show up and vote. But you didn't even go that far in five of the past eleven California elections. Too busy?
6. Have you ever been to Sacramento? It's about as interesting as a cattle auction. Are you sure you want to forgo your six-acre Brentwood mansion and private jet for up to eight years in Nowheresville?
7. Or will you end up holding court in Brentwood most of the year, much the same way President Bush is trying to run the country from his Crawford ranch? That won't play well on the evening news -- you hanging out with your Hollywood pals in the middle of a budget crisis while the Governor's mansion lies empty.
8. You like to point out that you came to America with nothing but dreams. So why did you vote for Proposition 187, which denied basic services to other immigrants who came to America with nothing but dreams?
9. When are you going to repudiate the Nazi legacy of your friend Kurt Waldheim?
10. Where do you actually stand on the budget, the environment, the energy crisis, homelessness, housing, highways, homeland security, immigration, job training, police salaries, social security, taxes, urban renewal, veterans' affairs, and welfare rolls? Seriously, what are you specifically going to do in your first 100 days?
Daily Blah for... Monday, August 11, 2003
A Sure Bet
Okay, I got $50 here says Ah-nuld's not going to be our next governor. Anyone willing to take my money? All I ask is $500 if I'm right.
Sure, it's hard not to be swept along in the Schwarzenegger frenzy now engulfing the state. California right now is like a bookish valedictorian who has just been invited to the prom by the hot school quarterback. Oh, I know I said I didn't like muscles, but he asked me! Isn't he dreamy?
But the first blush of mismatched teen romance fades quickly, because there's nothing substantial behind it -- and because, invariably, the quarterback turns out to be a jerk. The same is true here. Does anyone really know, almost a week after he announced, what Ah-nuld stands for? His policy currently consists of saying "I will pump up Sacramento" any time a TV camera gets close. That line is going to get old fast. His advisers are mostly old Pete Wilson hacks, none of whom are remembered fondly in this state. As for Ah-nuld's jerk side, what he did to beloved former LA mayor Dick Riordan -- told him repeatedly he wasn't running, sent him a five-page fax to that effect, allowed Riordan to put a team together -- should be warning enough for the rest of us. Gray Davis may not be remembered kindly for the attack ads that put Riordan out of the running in 2002, but you expect that kind of treatment from your political enemies. You don't expect it from your friends.
By October 7, the bloom will be off the rose. The Clintons, Bill and Hillary both, will likely spend most of September campaigning across the state (where, for the most part, they are adored like rock stars). That will give voters what they so far lack: a reason to vote for the Governor. All they need to do is persuade a majority of folks that he's worth a second chance, and question 2 on the ballot -- who should replace him? -- doesn't even come into play. Ah-nuld has to effectively win both questions; Davis need only win one.
We will by then know a lot more about Cruz Bustamante, our blessedly unassuming Lieutenant Governor. Bustamante already beats Ah-nuld among registered Democrats, who make up the majority of voters (and "not sure" beats them both hands down; most moderates are waiting to pick their candidate). He's the safe, solid choice, the one with no Hollywood glitz and a lot of government experience; the kind of guy our valedictorian would come running back to after her summer fling with the quarterback. More importantly, he's the only serious Democrat in the race. The GOP vote will be split between Schwarzenegger, sore loser Bill Simon (the conservative's favorite) and Pete Ueberroth (registered Republican and Time's man of the year 1984). GOP moderates looking for a safe pair of hands will, I predict, defect to Ueberroth in droves; the man who turned the '84 Olympics from disaster to dream can sure as hell deal with an $8 billion deficit.
California voters are smart and media savvy. They are enjoying the media circus right now, and having a collective "what if" dream: what if Schwarzenegger were this generation's Ronald Reagan? But quite frankly, as I think even most Reaganites would attest, he isn't. Reagan had a decade of experience with the Screen Actor's Guild. Ah-nuld has no hands-on experience leading anything whatsoever. I've been in the room when Reagan walked in; the atmosphere was electric. I've twice been in the room when Ah-nuld walked in; there were gaggles of autograph hunters, but no electricity. He's two-dimensional. Look behind him and all you see is a lot of bodybuilding, skiing, steroids, bad scripts -- and jerk-like behavior masquerading as political machination.
Still willing to take me on?
Daily Blah for... Friday, August 08, 2003
The Backlash Begins
It didn't take long for Schwarzenegger's honeymoon with the press to end. This morning Slate digs up the candidate's support for Austrian president and war criminal Kurt Waldheim, and asks: Does Ah-nuld Have a Nazi Problem?
Daily Blah for... Thursday, August 07, 2003
G.I. George
Yes, it's the President Bush action figure in full flyboy gear. Does he get the royalties, or did Karl Rove copyright that whole stunt?
Aftershocks in California
-- The San Francisco Chronicle has an excellent piece by movie critic Mick LaSalle, whose reviews I normally abhor, pointing out that having Ah-nuld run for governor is practically typecasting. His movies have all followed one principle: take the big lug and make him [insert unexpected occupation here]. Also, his punchlines have included shooting his wife in the head (Total Recall) and detonating a nuclear device (True Lies). The man has a twisted sense of humor.
-- No word yet on whether independent filmmaker Brian Flemming will bow out of the race now that Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante has entered it. Flemming's campaign, which has gotten ink in the LA Times and Mercury News, was based on one catchy slogan: "If elected, I will resign." This was effectively a way to get Bustamante, who is next in the line of succession, into the statehouse. Up until yesterday, Bustamente was loyally sticking by Davis, but Ah-nuld seems to have changed his mind (Bustamante's announcement was barely noticed in all the Schwarzenegger noise, which calls into question Bustamante's media savvy). As of this morning, though, Flemming's website was still proudly proclaiming his campaign. Could the taste of media attention have gone to his head? Is 15 minutes of fame not enough, Brian? If elected, you will ... rule the world! [insert evil cackle here]
--Ah-nuld's public speaking style is levity mixed with self-deprecation, but he may have met his match in Arianna Huffington. Considering the possibility of debating the Terminator, the heavily-accented Greek-born Huffington told reporters she looked forward to "the first gubernatorial campaign with English subtitles." It was the first statement in this whole mess to make me smile.
Daily Blah for... Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Schwarzenegger Surprise
I was just sitting there at the kitchen table in the early evening sunlight, reading the latest on the recall election and feeling my stomach sink. There are at least 400 candidates in the running now, allowing for the possibility that our next governor will be elected with as little as 0.26% of the vote. The State Supreme Court, which contains eight Republicans and one Democrat, is unlikely to help out. A memo with the White House's fingerprints advises GOP strategists to use the recall as a recruitment opportunity for 2004. Arianna freakin' Huffington is running. Some of my friends simply shake their heads and laugh at the whole damn Hollywood circus. I would love to appreciate it that way too, but there's a large part of me that cannot help but see it all as evidence of the decline of democratic civilization. This, you see, is why I stopped writing about politics.
So I sighed, and got up from the table, resolving to forget it all by losing myself in work. That was when Petra called.
"Arnie's running," she said. "Just thought you'd want to know."
"Oh God," I groaned. There was no turning away now. "Which channel?" I may find the spectacle stomach-churningly distasteful, but that doesn't mean I'll refuse to turn on a TV when news is being made.
There he was, Ah-nuld, mangling the English language live on five channels. Here is a man who makes Bush epithets look positively Shakespearian. When he said "I want to make sure children are not left with any books," I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. After all, Ah-nuld has shown more interest in ad-hoc after-school programs than in funding schools themselves. Who's to say that was a verbal slip? And even if he makes a hundred such gaffes, will it matter? Give him 20% of the vote and he's laughing all the way to the statehouse.
Meanwhile, in Inconsequential News ...
J. Lo Dumps Ben. No, wait, Jen Says She's Sticking With Ben. Will the former headline become the "Dewey Defeats Truman" of our generation? "Who cares," screams world.
Daily Blah for... Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Outcry at the Straight Guy
So that's what all the fuss was about? The e-mail from the parishioner that threatened to derail the election of Rev. Gene Robinson, the first openly gay cleric in the US, supposedly contained some murky details of harassment, and today we learned what that harassment was: Robinson had briefly placed his hand on the arm and then the back of this parishioner, David Lewis, during a conversation. Jesus! Lewis apologized today for calling it harassment, downgraded it to "inappropriate contact," fled from the press, and said only that the e-mail was never intended to be made public -- it was just between him and the ruling council of the Episcopal Church. As if.
Would Lewis have written that e-mail if Robinson were straight? Of course not. This kind of homophobia -- please, sir, he touched me on the arm! I might have cooties! -- is just way too childish to be permitted in a civilized nation. But how to remedy it? Personally, I'd like to sentence people like Lewis to take part in Queer Eye For the Straight Guy (which, for those of you just returning from Martian vacations, is the hottest new TV show of the year; each week one style-challenged heterosexual gets made over by the catty clique known as the Fab Five). I'm sure Lewis' wife would love the result -- if, indeed, a jerk like that managed to find anyone to marry him. (Ooooh!)
Thought While Watching 'Pirates of the Caribbean'
--Oh God, this is the second movie in which Johnny Depp tries to do a British accent, and he's veering all over the place. One minute he's in North London; the next, Sydney. Why didn't all the British actors walk off the set in protest? And that drunken swagger is an exact copy of his Hunter S. Thompson imitation in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Hey, Johnny -- why not just do Captain Sparrow as Ed Wood?
--It's amazing how forgettable Jerry Bruckheimer movies are. It's like they erase your mind when you leave the theater. This is going to make it very hard to blog about.
--Nevertheless, Bruckheimer's genius is that he never does the same genre of action movie. And the genre he chooses always stands out against the pale background of same-y summer blockbusters. It's the Seth Godin "Purple Cow" theory again -- you would notice one purple cow in a field of cattle, and a pirate movie in a sea of so-so sequels. That's why it shot straight to number one. That's what I'm doing here.
--I can't tell the difference between Orlando Bloom and that guy who played the cowardly clerk in Saving Private Ryan.
--That guy with the wooden eye -- it's Gareth from The Office!
--How bloody long does this movie have to go on? We all know how it's going to end. Orlando gets the girl, Geoffrey Rush gets his comeuppance, Depp gets to do his starry-eyed Horatio Alger exit.
--The scene where the pirates walk on the sea bed is easily the coolest thing in this. Funny how, thanks mostly to Finding Nemo, the only decent summer movie moments this year have been under water.
--Why is everyone walking out two minutes before the end? What the hell is wrong with you people? I know it's formulaic, but if you were protesting that, you'd have walked out an hour ago. You just want to get back to your cars and drive as fast as possible in search of the next forgettable thrill, don't you?
--Wow, this is a movie that essentially advocates piracy. That's weird in the current Hollywood climate. Jonathan Pryce has this crappy line I've forgotten already: "I suppose sometimes the pirate's way is best," or something like that. And at the same time the MPAA and its paid stooges in Congress are trying to pass laws that would imprison people just for posting digital copies of, say, this movie on the Internet. I wonder where Bruckheimer stands on digital piracy? I wonder whether anyone will notice Disney's hypocrisy? Nah -- they're too busy having their minds erased the moment they walk out.
Daily Blah for... Monday, August 04, 2003
More Fun With Words and Music
You may or may not have already run across Dictionaraoke. You may or may not understand why hearing dictionary pronounciation programs spit out lyrics to songs like My Heart Will Go On in their brightly vapid electronic tone, with equally vapid electronic karaoke backing music, is so hysterically funny. You may or may not appreciate the many layers of humor in, say, the Dictionaraoke version of the Smiths' How Soon Is Now, in which all the words have been changed with the aid of a thesaurus ("I am the scion and the inheritor/of a social phobia which is unlawfully uncouth ..."). But I know I'm not alone, and I hereby challenge you to listen through any one of these tracks without cracking a smile.
Perhaps this phenomenon is our best absurdist revenge on the machine voices that permeate our entire lives -- you know, the ones that tell you that your call is very important to them and could you please stay on the line. Or perhaps it's best viewed as a savage satire on the state of the recording industry; its reliance on mindless automaton singers and those constant cannibalizing remixes, if taken to their logical conclusions, lead us to this kind of music. But who cares? Dictionaraoke is a sure-fire mood enhancer for a crappy day; better than Prozac.
Banana Republic
Fed up with Gray Davis and his $8 billion defecit, but don't want to hand over California to the Republicans? Tired of Larry Flynt's publicity stunts? Why not try a different species of politician altogether? Yes, a monkey is running for governor in the California recall election. She desparately needs your signatures now to get on the ballot. C'mon, she couldn't do much worse.
News Flash, People
The New York Times "discovers" flash mobs in Berlin. Which is a typically quirky, elitist Times thing to do -- they failed to take notice two months ago when flash mobs were being created right under their noses. Evidently flash mobs in Germany are more legitimate news for the New York Times than flash mobs in New York.
Daily Blah for... Friday, August 01, 2003
Word Games
The guys over at Metafilter have way too much time on their hands. They've been playing an out-of-control game called Blogstop, where the final word of an entry (or comment) must be used as an acronym for the next user's entry. (Thus "do other entries really suck?" is followed by "Sometimes, Unless Created Knowledgably.") What insouciance!
Lookalike
So when they do the movie version of how one American statesman's visit to Israel begat Armageddon, will Tom DeLay be played by Chris Cooper?
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