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Wow, so does this mean everything you write reflects Time Inc's opinion? Or do you perhaps have some sort of standard disclaimer to the effect that it doesn't?
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An experiment for a column I wrote about blogging back in December 2001. All these years later, I haven't been able to kick the habit.
If it's called Daily Blah, how come you don't always write every day?
I am trying harder. I promise. Please don't hurt me.
Mister, you talk funny. Are you one of them furrners?
Why yes I am, as it happens. I was born, raised and educated in Great Britain. I've been living in the U.S. since 1996 and identify as British.
I say, old chap, you forgot the "u" in "colour."
No I didn't. I may identify as British, but I am also an American journalist writing for an American audience about mostly American issues. These two different sides of me are a constant source of tension. Nevertheless, Daily Blah will adhere to American English grammar and spelling.
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Daily Blah for... Wednesday, February 18, 2004
The Ted-ly skies
Below is a piece I wrote on Ted, the new low-cost airline from United. That's where I was on assignment on Thursday -- flying to Las Vegas on the inaugural Ted flight out of San Francisco, then taking another test Ted flight from Vegas to Denver. I then spent a splendid three hours in the beautiful town of Boulder before turning around for my prebooked United flight back. But I didn't quite make it on to that flight; the security line was the longest I'd ever seen, snaking round corner after corner in quite a nightmarish, Kafkaesque manner. Indeed, it was the longest anyone in the line had ever seen, at least according to what we were all immediately calling home on our cellphones to say. We had good reason. It was Denver on a Thursday afternoon in perfect weather; what well-prepared, shoeless, laptop-lugging road warrior wouldn't expect to breeze through the metal detectors in a matter of minutes? Finally, I found a security guy who told me what was up. It's that damn United, he said. They launched a new airline today and didn't tell us.
Running as fast as anyone dares to run in an airport these days, I made it to the gate minutes before the flight was scheduled to leave. Which was the most painful part, of course, because it meant I got to see the plane sitting there as the doors closed and the connecting corridor withdrew. I got to beg and plead in vain with the stone-faced United representative. "You know," I told her later, getting my standby ticket for the next San Francisco flight -- three hours away -- "I'm writing a story about you guys."
"Oh, is it good?" was her reply.
Here's the version I wrote on that later flight, trying hard not to let my fury creep in:
Your airline has just gone bankrupt. How do you try to claw your way back to solvency? If you're United, apparently, the answer is: paint some of your planes orange and call it a new airline. The troubled carrier launched its Ted service last week, replacing some regular United services between Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, San Francisco, New Orleans and Los Angeles (Dulles, Va. connections will follow in April). United promised that no one-way Ted fare would ever go above $299 in the hopes that it would win back customers from friendly, no-frills rivals like Southwest Airlines.
But like the paint, most of Ted's upgrades were superficial. The staff were United attendants wearing orange baseball caps and "Ted's Friend" buttons and trying to smile more. Sure, you could buy a $5 bottled margarita, and choose from a menu for carb-conscious dieters (at least on flights lasting more than two-and-a-half hours). The promised "Tedvision", however, turned out to be a single channel of recycled cable programming -- hardly a patch on JetBlue's multichannel DirecTV, and far less entertaining than the rap performed by at least one attendant: "Ted, Ted, that's the name/You're going to find out it's not the same/First came Southwest, then JetBlue/Now it's Ted that's going to serve you."
Taking Ted from San Francisco to Las Vegas last week cost $219, far cheaper than a regular United flight on the same route ($710) or than an America West flight ($347). Early flights were sold out. But it's hard to see how a bankrupt airline can keep cost-cutting. After all, painting a 747 orange isn't cheap.
In the end, the story had to be severely sliced for space. Here's the version that made it into the magazine:
United launched its discount Ted carrier last week, which replaced some regular United service to such cities as Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, San Francisco, New Orleans and Los Angeles. The airline promised that no one-way Ted fare would ever go above $299. Taking Ted from San Francisco to Las Vegas costs $219, far cheaper than a regular United flight on the same route ($710) or than an America West flight ($347). But like the new paint job, most of Ted's other changes seem superficial. The staff were United attendants wearing orange baseball caps and TED'S FRIEND buttons. Passengers on flights of more than 2 1/2 hours were offered a menu of low-carb meals. The promised Tedvision, however, turned out to be a single channel of recycled cable programming. More entertaining was the rap performed by at least one attendant: "Ted, Ted, that's the name/You're going to find out it's not the same."
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